The Ghost of Thanksgiving Past

Hebrews 12: 28-29 -  "Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."

My biggest problem with writing is ideas.  Either I have nothing, or a million ideas are bouncing around in my head and I can't decide which one I want to use.

Thursday was one of those Nothing kind of days.  I had the itch to blog again, but I had Nothing.  My days lately have been cloudy - no storms, but not a lot of sunshine, either.  I've been wandering through them on auto-pilot.  

So I asked God to give me something to write about.  And I drove on.

About five minutes later, as I was pulling into a parking place at the grocery store, my phone took a tumble and landed between the console and the seat. I dug down to retrieve it...right into a pile of petrified crumbs.  No phone.  I felt around gingerly, thinking, "I really need to vacuum out this car."  No phone.  I moved the seat back as far as it would go.  More crumbs, but no phone.  I shifted the seat forward until my knees were in the steering wheel and still no phone.  I turned around to see if it had slid into the back, and sure enough, there it was - right next to a sheet of paper.  

The paper looked like it was ripped out of a journal, which is not surprising.  My six-year-old daughter loves to write.  She has tons of journals.  She keeps some of them in the back pocket of the passenger seat in my car.  Unfortunately, when something she's written doesn't meet her satisfaction, it gets ripped out and thrown on the floor.  She's my messy genius.

The paper had my handwriting on it and I saw the word thankful written many times.  I picked it up and turned it over.  It was dated November 14, 1998.  

"This should be good," I thought, as my mind took me back.  The edges of my memory blurred and faded.  I was 23.  Single.  Living another life.  

As I read, the past and the present collided.

November 14, 1998

1.  ...thankful that I have a goal and am putting everything I am into achieving it.  (Goal?  What goal?  If it was a life goal, I should remember it.  Wonder if I met my goal.  It probably had something to do with my crazy friends.  Or 6th Street.  Or cute boys.)

2.  ...thankful that I have an independent nature and the courage to try new things.  (Okay, true.  Glad that I knew myself enough to recognize that.  Wonder what 'new things' I was referring to.  Probably had something to do with my crazy friends.  Or 6th Street.  Or cute boys.)

3.  ...thankful that I am finally graduating!  (Now THAT was something to be thankful for.  Yep.  5 1/2 years.  I blame my crazy friends.  And 6th Street.  And cute boys.)

4.  ...thankful that I can spot bad guys quickly and get rid of them without hanging on forever.  (BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  ...as the Rolodex in my head ticks away another half-decade of Boneheads.)

5.  ...thankful that I'm no longer stuck in situations that I don't want to be in.  (Way to go, 1998 Courtney.  Can you please get in touch with 2012 Courtney?)

6.  ...thankful that I have the foresight to not get stuck in situations I don't want to be in.  (Where the heck was Foresight when I needed it in 2002?  And 2003?  And 2008?  And 2010???)

November 11, 2012

Thank you, God, for giving me material to work with.  You're pretty awesome.  And You have a remarkable sense of humor. 

I've said it before - I'm not good with gratitude.  I have such a hard time saying "thank you."  When someone compliments me, I just don't believe it.  I am much better with criticism.  Tell me what I'm doing wrong, and I will get right on it.  But I have no idea what to do with compliments.  They just hang in the air like wisps of smoke, until I shoo them back into Nothingness.

I also find it hard to be grateful for blessings, because I'm constantly on the lookout for things that need fixing.  Blessings get forgotten in the sea of my mistakes.  If I do happen to notice a blessing, I feel like a phony for being grateful when I have so much that needs fixing.

And God smiles from the backseat of my car.  He chuckles.  He nudges that list from 1998 a little closer.

I'm a Beautiful Mess.  I'm a Work in Progress.  I'm His Unfinished Business.

Being grateful doesn't have to be about making lists and writing Thank You cards and updating my Facebook status every day in November.  Choosing gratitude isn't about words.  For me, for now, for today, Gratitude is about Living Graciously and recognizing that there's more to my life than the bad choices I've made and the messes I've created.   

It can be the squirrels I saw playing a game of chase this morning on the oak tree across the street...

or running in the park with my son...

or the hidden grin on my student's face as I high-five him for reading fluently...

or witnessing my daughters grow into their roles as sisters and friends...

or the beautiful view of the hill country from my perch at recess...

or the hugs that I get from my children every day as they see me in the halls at school.

When I think about it hard enough, I can even turn those messes into blessings.  Every difficult year brought me closer to God.  Every mistake was a lesson learned.  Every obstacle was a chance to grow into the woman God wants me to be.  Every person God placed in my life has given me a gift that I use today to make decisions about the paths I take.  There are the Steel Magnolias, women whose journeys have been woven together with mine - Wendy and Marte and Joi and Julie and Missy and Shawn and Ruth and Lisa and Adrienne and Annie and Becky and Candice and Suzy and Jeanne and Rachel and Patty ..and ...and ...and.  There is the Cardinal who taught me how to love and helped me find my Soul Song.  Even the Boneheads deserve my gratitude - they helped me define what I deserve and helped teach me about forgiveness.

Living Graciously is knowing that I have an unshakable God Whose consuming fire turns all my ashes into beauty.  And thanking Him for giving me one more breath.  And one more.  And one more. 

I can choose to define myself by my mistakes or by my blessings.  It's not easy, and there are days that I would like to hide under my covers.  But on those difficult days, I can remind myself to Live Graciously.  Then I can throw back the covers and face the sunlight.

And that is something to be thankful for.