Death of a People-Pleaser

Psalm 139:13-14  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

Have I got good news for you!  All you busy dads, you on-the-go mommas - look no further.  If you need a favor, I'm your gal!  All you have to do is ask.  If you're feeling a bit wary because you don't know me that well, never fear.  I come with references (the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent). 

• Jane will tell you that I lent her my car for a hair appointment, and when she returned it with a huge gash in the fender and zero explanation, I didn't bat an eye.

• John will tell you that I took him to the airport at four o'clock in the morning on my day off. 

• Sue can vouch for the fact that I went to the grocery store to get her son cupcakes to celebrate his birthday at school.  Even though it was 8 o'clock at night.  And the store was completely out of my way.

• Mary will probably deny it (but if she turns red, you'll know she's fibbing) when you ask her if I bought her an enema kit at the store, and then returned it for another one when she told me I'd gotten the wrong one.  Okay, never mind.  Maybe you don't check up on that one. 

• Joe will explain how I drove ninety miles on a gas tank full of fumes because he needed a ride home for Thanksgiving.   

• Betty will (gratefully) tell you how I went to those riveting work meetings for her because she couldn't.   

Feel better now?  I hope so.  Like I said, all you have to do is ask.

Make no mistake.  I'm not Mother Teresa.  There's nothing saint-like about it.  It's just that I can't ever seem to say no.

People-pleasing has always been a way of life for me.  It started when I was young.  I gave up my favorite toys and always let my friends go first (even when it was my turn).  I always volunteered to be "It" when no one else (myself included) wanted to do it.  In high school, I surrendered love interests in accordance with the unwritten law that I had not "called him first."  I abandoned important relationships when they made others unhappy.  I stayed in destructive relationships because to leave them would make others unhappy.  I allowed my mind, body, and soul to be beaten down and broken, all in the name of keeping the peace.

Self-sacrifice looks good on paper, but don't be deceived.  It's actually the devil in disguise.

The more I sacrificed myself for others, the less of ME there was.  All God's hard work, the eternity that He spent knowing me and planning for me, was forgotten.  I became ripe for the devil to tempt me into believing I was Unworthy.  Unloved.  Unacceptable.  Unknown.

It also opened me up to resentment.  This is one of the devil's favorite emotions, because it leads good people down ugly, dark roads where the enemy lurks.  Watching.  Waiting. 

For me, people-pleasing has deep roots in abuse, addiction, and alcoholism.  In a world filled with chaos, inconsistencies, and unmet expectations, I felt powerless.  The people-pleaser in me grasped the one thing that was actually in my control - my choices.  If my choices could make someone else happy, then I could control the chaos.  And then I would finally find peace.  Or at least that's what the devil kept telling me.  He told me to give up the things that made me happy.  He told me that it was okay (necessary, even) that my happiness was dependent on the happiness of others.

And so I began to lose.  And I lost.  And I lost.  And I lost.  For years, I lost.  Myself.  My relationships.  My sanity.  I spent so much time making other people happy that I had no idea what made me happy.  If I did find something I liked, I felt guilty for enjoying it, especially when it took away from the happiness of the people I was most trying to please.  I gave and gave and gave until I was empty inside.  My heart hardened.  My soul was battered and bruised.

And the devil danced.  He cheered.  He wrote my name in his little black book with a BIG, black, permanent marker.

Stupid devil.

I'm in Someone Else's book, too.  And so are you.  Below each of our names is a long list of the gifts, talents, and interests that He knit together in the tapestries of our hearts.

But first I have to tell you a secret.  That person that you're always trying to please?  You never will.  His peace of mind is not your responsibility.  Her happiness doesn't rest on your shoulders.  In fact, it's none of your business.  Happiness and peace is a part of their relationship with themselves and with God.  It's their responsibility to get to work making things right, not yours.  Not yours.

And guess what?  The same goes for you!

What makes you happy?  Get with God and figure it out!  You are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who knows you best.  He gave you unique talents and gifts, and He knows full well how you are supposed to be using them.  Don't sacrifice your gifts trying to please the un-pleasable!  Be yourself!  If you don't know who that is, get busy!  Try new things.  Don't be scared!  You've got an unshakeable God right by your side, and he is for you! 

It works!  I promise - it really does work.  Two years ago, I didn't know who I was.  I didn't know what I liked to do.  I didn't recognize that I had talents.  Making a list of my "favorites" for Meet the Teacher was painful!  The only hobbies I could think of were reading and writing.  And I wasn't even sure I should include them.  I'd always put off writing because I believed the people who made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  And if I spent an afternoon reading a book, guilt swallowed me whole.

Want to see my updated hobby list? 

1.  I love running...except when I'm doing it.  Then it kinda sucks.

2.  Theater is in my soul.  I may never make it to Broadway, but that little stage in my church's Family Life Center is good enough...for now.

3.  I am obsessed with photography.  I decided I wanted a camera for Christmas, and wound up with a business.  A busy business.

4.  Writing...ah, my passion.  I love this blog.  I love writing short stories and poetry.  I love how God knits my words together like only He can.  I hope that one day He knits them into a book.  Or two.  Or ten.   

5.  I enjoy cycling.  Turns out you really don't forget how to ride a bike.  Even if you're clumsy.  And super-uncoordinated.

6.  I get lost in reading.  I am overwhelmed with the journey, and sometimes (a lot of times), I don't want to come home.  When I read a good book, I make new friends, and they always take a little piece of my heart with them when their story is over.

Look at that!  I've tripled my list!  I'm still a people-pleaser at heart, but God has graciously given me the ability to see when I'm giving too much of myself.  When I'm abandoning His gifts, He produces blessings like bikes and cameras.  When I'm not using the talents He's given me, He puts people in my life who request very nicely that I blog more.  When I'm worn out and feeling a lot lazy, He places it on my heart to get this body (His body) out into the world (His world), and enjoy them both. 

God knows you, too.  He's speaking to your heart right now, telling you how fearfully and wonderfully He made you.  Are you listening? 

Find your gifts.  Make a hobby list and include things you've always wanted to do, even if you're not doing them.  You don't have to be the best.  God didn't make you to be perfect.

He made you to be YOU.

More

Ephesians 3:20-21  - "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!  Amen."

In the hustle and bustle of the season, I'd put off shopping for everyday items.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  Those little necessities that never seem to be around when you need them.  And I needed them.  I needed them badly enough to load up three kids for a quick trip to the grocery store. 

I like to think of these trips as a Four Stage Process.  Stage 1 - Cats in a Bathtub. 

I'm totally serious.  When I say the words "grocery store" to my kids, they growl.  Their hair stands up on their heads.  They claw at me.  They hiss.  It's not pretty.

Stage 2 is Anguished Acceptance.  This is a tricky stage.  It had me fooled for a lot of years.  I saw the agonizing looks (I like to call them "Wet Cat Syndrome") and fell hook, line, and sinker.  But now I know better.  Don't let them see weakness.  And steel myself for Stage 3. 

Stage 3 - Kill Mom with Questions.

"Can I get Buddy Bucks?"  (Infernal "kid cash" for a machine that earns points to buy cheap crap that winds up on the floorboard of my car.)

"Can I have two quarters for the machine?"  (Infernal "kid trap" that vends cheap crap, which winds up on the floorboard of my car.)

"Can I have gum/candy/soda?"  (Infernal "kid crack" that's unhealthy, sticky and/or NOT spill-proof, and the trash winds up on the floorboard of my car.)

The problem with Stage 3 is that it lasts as long as we are in the store.  However, the mere existence of this stage inevitably prolongs the trip, turning a half-hour jaunt into an hour-long undertaking.   Once we leave the store, we move quickly into Stage 4 - Is that a Squirrel?  This stage is all about distraction.  It doesn't take much - a push or poke from a sibling is usually enough.  The questions are quickly forgotten and life goes on.

So back to my story.  We were headed to the store for one or two necessities.  We had barely pulled into the parking lot when my youngest daughter took me completely by surprise and moved into Stage 3* before we'd even exited the vehicle.  You may have noticed the asterisk.  That's because this is a rare deviation from typical Stage 3 behavior.  Many factors go into that asterisk.  Like, for example, it was a week after Mr. Ho-Ho-Ho left a veritable toy store under the tree.  And the fact that she'd had a birthday just four days after Christmas.  Also, consider the Audacity Factor. 

What is the Audacity Factor, you ask?  Perhaps telling you her question would best explain it.  Deep breath.  And...

"After this, can we go to Target for some more toys?"

I was floored.  Speechless.  The car was silent (a Christmas miracle!) as we all took in her question.  I like to think my older two children were in shock, too, but I've come to accept that they were just waiting.  Waiting for my reaction.  Waiting to see if we really could go to Target. 

After I regained consciousness, it took all I had not to give her the Less-Fortunate Lecture.  You know the one I'm talking about.  It always starts out with, "There are children in _______________ (fill in the blank with the first third-world country that comes to mind) who don't get anything for Christmas..."  But I didn't give that lecture.  Well, not the whole thing, anyway.  But my voice certainly had the how-dare-you tone (a symptom of the Audacity Factor). 

How dare you want more after all you got for Christmas?  How dare you want more when you got so much just four days later on your birthday?  How dare you think what you've already gotten is not enough?  How dare you want more???

I huffed and sighed and stomped into the store to get my few completely necessary items.  Stage 3* put a damper on the usual Stage 3 antics.  Or perhaps it was my Mean Mama face that kept the questions at bay.  At any rate, I was able to shop in some semblance of peace.  I noticed things that I usually missed.  Like the sale on body lotion.  What girl can't use an extra one of those in her bathroom cabinet?  And the body wash was Buy One, Get One Free.  Forget that I already had a full bottle at home, plus a 6-pack of my favorite bar soap.  Did you hear me say it was Buy One, Get One Free???  And then there was the back-scrubber I'd been meaning to get for months.  And mouthwash that guaranteed to whiten my teeth in just 7 days.  And another body wash that was on sale and smelled simply heavenly.  They all went in my cart.

And the irony was lost on me until I woke up this morning with one word in my head.

More.

But not the evil More that wants more toys, more lotion, and more body wash.  This More came from God.  You see, I'd been thinking about a New Year's resolution.  Typically, I'm not much of a "resolution" kinda gal.  They always seem like such a waste of guilt.  I've got far more important things to feel guilty for than not keeping a resolution.  But this year, I felt it - a need to resolve myself in Him.  I suppose it's more of a calling than a resolution.  God is calling me to More.

I sat down and made a list of all the More I need in my life:

• More loving.  Let go of my anger and unforgiveness and mistrust.  Just Love.

• More giving.  Give more of my time and my talents.  Blog more.  Stop putting it off.

• More serving.  Do more for others.  Use the things with which I've been blessed to serve others.  That new camera I got for Christmas?  Use it to be His hands and feet.  Show the world His grace and mercy through a wide-angle lens.

• More compassion.  See others like God sees me - past the mistakes and failures.

• More prayers.  Build that relationship.  Make Him the Man in my life.

• More trust.  Give Him my whole heart (yes, even the parts that I've been trying to keep hidden) and let Him get to work chipping away at those stubborn, hardened edges.

•  More letting go.  Seek only to change what is in my power to change - myself.

• More honor.  Respect the journeys of those that I love, even if it hurts.

• More reading.  Get into his Word.  Let it guide me and renew me and strengthen me.

• More deep breaths.  God never said this life would be easy.  Take it one day at a time.  Hold His hand the entire way.

This resolution, if that's what you want to call it, comes with a bonus, a Buy One, Get One Free, if you will.  The more I focus on the More, the less time I will have to focus on the Not Enough.

And who doesn't need that in their shopping cart?

Would you like to join me in my resolution...ahem, I mean, my calling?  Are you ready?

Go ahead!  Fill your cart with More.  Stack it so high that you can't see the path in front of you.  Put away your purse.  Don't worry about what card you're gonna put it on.  Cause this More doesn't cost a thing.  The price for your More has already been paid.  It cost more than you can fathom...

...but for you, it's free.