Death of a People-Pleaser

Psalm 139:13-14  "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

Have I got good news for you!  All you busy dads, you on-the-go mommas - look no further.  If you need a favor, I'm your gal!  All you have to do is ask.  If you're feeling a bit wary because you don't know me that well, never fear.  I come with references (the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent). 

• Jane will tell you that I lent her my car for a hair appointment, and when she returned it with a huge gash in the fender and zero explanation, I didn't bat an eye.

• John will tell you that I took him to the airport at four o'clock in the morning on my day off. 

• Sue can vouch for the fact that I went to the grocery store to get her son cupcakes to celebrate his birthday at school.  Even though it was 8 o'clock at night.  And the store was completely out of my way.

• Mary will probably deny it (but if she turns red, you'll know she's fibbing) when you ask her if I bought her an enema kit at the store, and then returned it for another one when she told me I'd gotten the wrong one.  Okay, never mind.  Maybe you don't check up on that one. 

• Joe will explain how I drove ninety miles on a gas tank full of fumes because he needed a ride home for Thanksgiving.   

• Betty will (gratefully) tell you how I went to those riveting work meetings for her because she couldn't.   

Feel better now?  I hope so.  Like I said, all you have to do is ask.

Make no mistake.  I'm not Mother Teresa.  There's nothing saint-like about it.  It's just that I can't ever seem to say no.

People-pleasing has always been a way of life for me.  It started when I was young.  I gave up my favorite toys and always let my friends go first (even when it was my turn).  I always volunteered to be "It" when no one else (myself included) wanted to do it.  In high school, I surrendered love interests in accordance with the unwritten law that I had not "called him first."  I abandoned important relationships when they made others unhappy.  I stayed in destructive relationships because to leave them would make others unhappy.  I allowed my mind, body, and soul to be beaten down and broken, all in the name of keeping the peace.

Self-sacrifice looks good on paper, but don't be deceived.  It's actually the devil in disguise.

The more I sacrificed myself for others, the less of ME there was.  All God's hard work, the eternity that He spent knowing me and planning for me, was forgotten.  I became ripe for the devil to tempt me into believing I was Unworthy.  Unloved.  Unacceptable.  Unknown.

It also opened me up to resentment.  This is one of the devil's favorite emotions, because it leads good people down ugly, dark roads where the enemy lurks.  Watching.  Waiting. 

For me, people-pleasing has deep roots in abuse, addiction, and alcoholism.  In a world filled with chaos, inconsistencies, and unmet expectations, I felt powerless.  The people-pleaser in me grasped the one thing that was actually in my control - my choices.  If my choices could make someone else happy, then I could control the chaos.  And then I would finally find peace.  Or at least that's what the devil kept telling me.  He told me to give up the things that made me happy.  He told me that it was okay (necessary, even) that my happiness was dependent on the happiness of others.

And so I began to lose.  And I lost.  And I lost.  And I lost.  For years, I lost.  Myself.  My relationships.  My sanity.  I spent so much time making other people happy that I had no idea what made me happy.  If I did find something I liked, I felt guilty for enjoying it, especially when it took away from the happiness of the people I was most trying to please.  I gave and gave and gave until I was empty inside.  My heart hardened.  My soul was battered and bruised.

And the devil danced.  He cheered.  He wrote my name in his little black book with a BIG, black, permanent marker.

Stupid devil.

I'm in Someone Else's book, too.  And so are you.  Below each of our names is a long list of the gifts, talents, and interests that He knit together in the tapestries of our hearts.

But first I have to tell you a secret.  That person that you're always trying to please?  You never will.  His peace of mind is not your responsibility.  Her happiness doesn't rest on your shoulders.  In fact, it's none of your business.  Happiness and peace is a part of their relationship with themselves and with God.  It's their responsibility to get to work making things right, not yours.  Not yours.

And guess what?  The same goes for you!

What makes you happy?  Get with God and figure it out!  You are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who knows you best.  He gave you unique talents and gifts, and He knows full well how you are supposed to be using them.  Don't sacrifice your gifts trying to please the un-pleasable!  Be yourself!  If you don't know who that is, get busy!  Try new things.  Don't be scared!  You've got an unshakeable God right by your side, and he is for you! 

It works!  I promise - it really does work.  Two years ago, I didn't know who I was.  I didn't know what I liked to do.  I didn't recognize that I had talents.  Making a list of my "favorites" for Meet the Teacher was painful!  The only hobbies I could think of were reading and writing.  And I wasn't even sure I should include them.  I'd always put off writing because I believed the people who made me feel like I wasn't good enough.  And if I spent an afternoon reading a book, guilt swallowed me whole.

Want to see my updated hobby list? 

1.  I love running...except when I'm doing it.  Then it kinda sucks.

2.  Theater is in my soul.  I may never make it to Broadway, but that little stage in my church's Family Life Center is good enough...for now.

3.  I am obsessed with photography.  I decided I wanted a camera for Christmas, and wound up with a business.  A busy business.

4.  Writing...ah, my passion.  I love this blog.  I love writing short stories and poetry.  I love how God knits my words together like only He can.  I hope that one day He knits them into a book.  Or two.  Or ten.   

5.  I enjoy cycling.  Turns out you really don't forget how to ride a bike.  Even if you're clumsy.  And super-uncoordinated.

6.  I get lost in reading.  I am overwhelmed with the journey, and sometimes (a lot of times), I don't want to come home.  When I read a good book, I make new friends, and they always take a little piece of my heart with them when their story is over.

Look at that!  I've tripled my list!  I'm still a people-pleaser at heart, but God has graciously given me the ability to see when I'm giving too much of myself.  When I'm abandoning His gifts, He produces blessings like bikes and cameras.  When I'm not using the talents He's given me, He puts people in my life who request very nicely that I blog more.  When I'm worn out and feeling a lot lazy, He places it on my heart to get this body (His body) out into the world (His world), and enjoy them both. 

God knows you, too.  He's speaking to your heart right now, telling you how fearfully and wonderfully He made you.  Are you listening? 

Find your gifts.  Make a hobby list and include things you've always wanted to do, even if you're not doing them.  You don't have to be the best.  God didn't make you to be perfect.

He made you to be YOU.